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Maiden to Mother

When I found out i was pregnant with my son I was already 28 days late and in complete denial. With my husband in school and me working two jobs, we were not at all prepared for a child. Let alone I didn’t want one this early at all (we’re 25 and 26 - so not really THAT early - but still). I took 4 pregnancy tests, all positive and started to panic. “I can’t push a baby out of me - I’m so tiny how am I going to get a baby out of me?!” I sobbed to my husband who was still in shock and not saying much. I’d already been drinking mugwort tea, and the last time I tried to drink it I had a vision of a tiny fetus falling out of me on the floor of the shower and I simply could not fathom drinking anymore. It was a couple weeks later when we found out I really was pregnant. We discussed more mugwort but decided we couldn’t do that. How could we kill our baby?

It took me a while to get adjusted to having a life growing inside me. Often I would break down in the shower, clutching my womb and crying, feeling as though my body was no longer my own. I needed an ultrasound - to see the life and come to terms with it. We booked an appointment at our local pregancy resource center. It was November 29th, 2023 and I was 9 weeks pregnant. Tears streamed down my face as I stared up at our little bean on the screen.

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The next order of business was to figure out what the hell I was going to do about this whole giving birth situation. I’ve never been sold on the medical system, but after COVID my mistrust was completely solidified so I knew I had to find an alternative. I starting diving deep into studying natural birth. The first book I started with was Ina May Gaskins ‘Spiritual Midwifery’. The amount of incredible and beautiful birth stories were so drastically different than anything I’d ever heard about giving birth. With each story I read, the more my heart opened. I cried reading each and every one. I cried reading the way breech births were handled back then, and how they’re still handled today.

I started watching video after video of homebirths, read countless womens’ stories. I watched videos of breech homebirths, many of them. I was ready. I could do this. I was so absolutely opposed to giving birth in the hospital, so terrified of a c-section, and so aware of how many medically unnecesary c-sections there were and how high the current rate of them are. The hospital here where we live is also notorious for them. I was set on a homebirth. The next step was to find a midwife.

We went down to visit my family for Christmas and tell everyone about the baby. When I told my mom I wasn’t going to give birth in the hospital she laughed at me and said “Yeah, we’ll see.” That was the moment she began to lose me.

There were only two midwives anywhere near me. The first one I met with would charge $3300, and I was willing to pay, as tight as money already was I did not care, but she couldn’t guaruntee she would be available for my due date which was July 5th. She referred me to the other midwife, who was $4500, but she couldn’t guaruntee she’s be there either. I was willing to push it at first, to take the chance, but money was tight enough already and that could go toward bills for after he was born. That could get us through a few months of being able to be home with our baby. I decided I was going to do a freebirth.

I continued to work both jobs, and went about life as usual. I’d never been so hungry in my life! I ate so much, constantly. I was also not prepared for the surges of hormones and the complete and utter rage I would feel at times. My husband and I had some of the worst fights we’d ever had early on. Although I was doing a freebirth, I still wanted to get the anatomy scan to ease my mind, find out the gender, and make sure baby was developing properly and healthy.

..to be continued…

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